arghhh

Just when I think that I am becoming a better person through the daily studying of the word, I get around people and just seem to mess it up.

It can be mentally draining being around people. That sentence implies that they are at fault but it is the mental checks or lack of mental checks, that I do in my head questioning whether I am I offending someone with my tone, bluntness or resting face. Then I get frustrated because I feel like I can not be myself. I take people for who they are and expect the same. It is a different subject if I choose not to be around them.

I guess I am in a transitional period where the people that accept all those things about me (because they are like me) are not on the same journey that I am.

With new people, it’s like which side do I show. It doesn’t matter anyway because the real me filters out regardless of my intentions.

I had to ask God, “am I meant to be around people?”.

I struggle with being around groups although you would never guess by my exterior (majority of the time). Although, my face is quite expressive I like to think that I am in control with what I project.

I know that application of the Bible is just as important as reading it. But when I am around people, my natural thoughts and actions remind me of how much I fail despite all that I have read that very same day. It is particularly obvious when I am finally in my own space with all the time to think about my actions. I used to be very nonchalant about it and sometimes I think who cares! But it is something that God is bringing to my attention. He does not want me to be nonchalant about my impact on others.

I will commit this to prayer.