arghhh

Just when I think that I am becoming a better person through the daily studying of the word, I get around people and just seem to mess it up.

It can be mentally draining being around people. That sentence implies that they are at fault but it is the mental checks or lack of mental checks, that I do in my head questioning whether I am I offending someone with my tone, bluntness or resting face. Then I get frustrated because I feel like I can not be myself. I take people for who they are and expect the same. It is a different subject if I choose not to be around them.

I guess I am in a transitional period where the people that accept all those things about me (because they are like me) are not on the same journey that I am.

With new people, it’s like which side do I show. It doesn’t matter anyway because the real me filters out regardless of my intentions.

I had to ask God, “am I meant to be around people?”.

I struggle with being around groups although you would never guess by my exterior (majority of the time). Although, my face is quite expressive I like to think that I am in control with what I project.

I know that application of the Bible is just as important as reading it. But when I am around people, my natural thoughts and actions remind me of how much I fail despite all that I have read that very same day. It is particularly obvious when I am finally in my own space with all the time to think about my actions. I used to be very nonchalant about it and sometimes I think who cares! But it is something that God is bringing to my attention. He does not want me to be nonchalant about my impact on others.

I will commit this to prayer.

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9 Comments Add yours

  1. Abi says:

    The feeling of nonchalant you mentioned, I seem to have it as indifference. But with me there is more of an internal struggle with the transitional phase I am going through as mine is mixed with a tug of war regarding the faith. Being around people is draining. I hope you get to a place where you can experience a feeling of togetherness because splitting yourself is draining too.
    Keep your head.
    Xx

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    1. Do you think your internal struggle with the transitioning of people, pulls you further away from God?

      “splitting yourself is draining” this completely encapsulates what I experience, especially around certain people.

      Thank you for your kind wishes.

      I pray that we will be sensitive to the ways God wants to help us.

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      1. Abi says:

        My pulling further away from God is independent of that. Pulling away or ‘running’ has always seemed more natural/a more sound attempt at aligning myself in the hopes of grounding.

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      2. Pulling away/ running may seem natural but it is still creating distance from an entity, thing, person or God

        Are you able to explain what you think is the reason for the distance between God and yourself?

        If you do not feel comfortable talking about it here, let me know and we can communicate in a more private setting.

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      3. Abi says:

        The relationship between God and myself is very complex. Growing up in a Christian household and experiencing a lot of indoctrination, not all sound, are all factors in the dynamic. To put it more simply and conscience, I am struggling with a restlessness that comes from feeling like what is presented to us Christianity lacks. I’m a skeptic turned believer turned agnostic turned believer and there is a lot of relearning that I know I must endure, in order to come to a place where the truth feels like the truth, whether that be in the faith or not.

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      4. “where the truth feels like the truth” – I struggled with really believing the Word. As a sceptic, I struggled with believing that Noah packed 2 of every single living creature on a boat.!

        The faith that God calls us to have defies logic: a single man came down from Heaven, became sin and died so that I may have eternal life just by believing in Him as my Saviour. That is not the only logic-defying moments in the Bible, in fact the Word is brimming with many examples. A progressive outlook is that these are more importantly faith-building moments that I should focus on to help me. This outlook is an example of me working out what God “works in” me (Phili 2:12-13) so that my life will be evidence of an “unshakeable faith”.

        I do not believe it happens over night but we must work at it. Particularly, during moments, when our thoughts or logic outweigh our faith (that is when we need to work even harder). Even if it is whilst reading the Word and or praying. This is something I constantly need to work at.

        For me, the truth is becoming the truth in my heart through being in the Word. I use the verb because to denote being active in the Word. Right now my life consists of reading the Word, praying, bible study, fellowship, questioning the things I read, bringing those questions to God and discussing them with friends.

        It is easier said than done and there are times I can sense an inward rising of scepticism when I read but I do not supress it, I see it has a by-product of me being in the World. In those moments I ask God to help me with my faith and rebuke the rebellious thoughts that keep me from trusting Him.

        This scripture comes to mind – 1st Corinthians 10:5 “We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ”

        I even forgot about this scripture but the Holy Spirit gave it to me now for a reason. This is now my new plan of attack when those thoughts come, I will mediate and declare this scripture.

        We can do it together for a week, see if there is a change and report back?

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      5. Abi says:

        Thank you for all you’ve said, know that I am appreciative.
        I used to have the Corinthians scripture attached to my wall. I was going through a season where the doubt was strong and frankly tiring and I needed constant reassurance.
        I am really reluctant, simply I am unwilling. If I get to a place where I feel capable of trying I may use that plan of attack but for now, I’m done attacking, I just want to be.

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      6. It was really nice to talk to you and talk about the scepticsm that even Christians like to talk about within the faith.

        I grew up going to church and then left when I reached an age that I could do whatever I wanted.
        After a couple of years, I would sporadically go to church and only if I could get out of bed after a night out partying. During those times not even my mother could get me to go and she eventually stopped begging me to go (but she never stopped praying) except on specials occasions.

        When I did come to Him, it was of my own free will, not my mother’s or anyone else. So when I came to Him it was because I made that choice. It was not even a sure choice, but I made a tiny step with all my doubt etc. Coming to Him freely makes it all the more special for me.

        So I pray that you remember He loves even in your period of just wanting to be, hopefully that will make it easier to come to Him when you feel you are ready to take a step, no matter how tiny.

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  2. Check the site that I got the quote “unshakeable faith” from. The post provided a new insight on the Phili 2:12-13 scripture https://utmost.org/work-out-what-god-works-in-you/
    and this one was great to read also
    http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/why-must-we-work-out-our-salvation#_ftn13

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