Judging from the response from my previous post (New Note), quite a number of people on social media seemed to connect to my feelings of hopelessness and questioning whether they were built for their journey with Christ Jesus.
After a rough night, the only thing that kept me going was playing Gospel music in the background as I either stared at the walls, scrolled aimlessly on Instagram or tried to escape my thoughts by forcibly inducing sleep.
Previous experiences have taught me that through the storms we all need an anchor.
Yesterday, I needed an anchor even if it meant that I was still floating, lost in the vast sea made up of my failures, disappointment, pain, disobedience and hopelessness.
These past couple months, I have discovered that worshiping God through music (despite my awful singing voice) is that anchor for me.
Worship music reminds me that even when I am sinking, I am not really sinking because God is riding this roller coaster with me.
1st Corinthians 10: 13
“…And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
When I am tempted to throw in the towel – there is a way out from that feeling. I just have to weather the mini storms within the storm to see that I can overcome battles along my journey with God.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
Even with the dangerous thoughts imagining life without me in it or dissecting my past whilst correcting every mistake to see what my life could have been like now.
Even with all that, God still has a purpose for me. Otherwise, why would I have to endure so much crap?!
Yes, I am still confused as to whether my prayers are doing anything.
Yes, I am questioning whether my faith is ‘right’ and acceptable to God.
Yes, I am still scared that I will still knowingly disobey God.
And there will be more times when I feel like I am being pulled under the waves by the weight of my sins or the reality of my failures.
Either way, I have my anchor.
Remembering that it is there is the problem.
I will always need Jesus.
Elevation Worship’s Do It Again was on constant loop for a while.
The lyrics, especially “My heart will sing your praise again, Jesus Your still enough” put gas into my hope tank.