This week has had its ups and downs.
Today is a new day.
In my head, it feels like a tug of war is happening to determine whether today will be an ‘up day’ or ‘down day’.
I have been battling quite dangerous thoughts birthed from a fresh wave of the crap reality that is my life at the moment and how it only fits perfectly with the trajectory of my life these past years.
I questioned whether I was built for Kingdomship.
Reading the Bible all the time but being unable to change in many ways just makes all my efforts seem futile. I feel like I was not born for this journey. I do not even know if I am on it anymore.
I have faith and nothing changes. I pray and still feel confused whether my prayers have done any real damage to the outcome of my situations or mind-set. I read the Bible and still disobey.
God is not the issue. I am.
Stepping away would mean that I would not have to deal with the stress of continually disappointing God.
I would not have to fight all the time. I could just lie in an abyss. Just for a moment.
The mountains in my life still remain and grow more in height and depth; it is like they are goading me ‘how dare you dream so big’, ‘how dare you dream of a better life’.
This post is incomplete as I am still trying to find hope.