Let’s Talk About Sex

God is not against sex, just sex outside of marriage.

God invented sex in full knowledge what it entails and of all its trimmings – the heightened sense of pleasure and intimacy that it evokes (well, if done right) and so forth.

But God intended and still intends for sex to happen only within a marriage.

Now before you pass me off has ‘frigid’ or “one of those Christians”. I am not a virgin.

And whilst typing the former statement, without a second thought, I was initially about to type that ‘God intended and still intends for sex to be confined within marriage’.

That word confined (and my natural use of it within the context of sex and God) speaks to a popular misconception that God is against sex because He ‘imposes’ on us that one stipulation.

As a result, we readily conceive that God is denying all human beings the freedom to have sex, with all its trimmings, whenever they want and that He is denying us what has been a primitive source of pleasure.

This sense of ‘injustice’ is especially heightened when in this present day sex is readily available everywhere and anywhere: from specialist porn stores to global apps like Tinder and now we have sexual images plastered on Instagram.

Typically, we like things that give us pleasure – sexual or not – and we do not like being told that we cannot have something that gives us pleasure – sexual or not.

It is an inherent quality that we exhibit everyday (I believe it is linked to the fall of Adam and the inherent sinful nature in us before we accept Jesus Christ as our Saviour).

For example, I dislike being told ‘no’, especially when I truly believe that what I am being denied of is good for me.

Being told ‘no’ is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. And I am the bull.

I know, I sound like a child (I am not).

(However, God is a miracle working God and is definitely holding me more accountable in this area.)

In the meantime, I still have these tendencies where I am told ‘no’ and suddenly, I want that thing even more and I fixate on how to get it. Once I have it, I am over it and lose interest.

This rationale even applies to people and dating: we like to play hard to get and want that person the more of a challenge the situation becomes.

It even applies to food.

I have just seen an amazing recipe for a Chinese dish and suddenly I immediately want to go to the best (and most expensive) Chinese restaurant in London (it is in Mayfair by the way).

I neeed that extra-hot-Cantonese-style-special-fried-rice-with-a-side-of-FRESH-duck… immediately.

Some people may not have the same reaction as I do, but we definitely do not like the feeling of being restricted or that pleasurable things are being held from us.

And that is how the devil swings people to his team: he makes them believe that God does not want the best for you, according to you.

That latter part is important – the best according to you – the devil really harpoons on this so you believe more in your own judgement of what is best for you than God’s judgement. As a result, you become more and more incensed that God is not giving it to you or that His Word in the Bible does not back you up in your decisions.

The best according to you… Often times our decisions are extremely time-sensitive. These types of decisions can be dangerous and like eating a Thai Green curry with a whole scotch bonnet – painful in the long run.

Often times we make such decisions based on an irrational fear or belief that seems rational at the time.

For example;

  • Getting into relationships because we do not want to be alone or think it has been years since we were last in one so maybe it is time to get into one.
  • Or we are horny and have not engaged in any sexual activity for a long time so maybe we can just fool around a little with this person or that we know our limits
  • Or we really like this person and they like me, and they are nice so we should accept their invitation to start dating.

These scenarios are just some of the ways we fool ourselves into thinking that we know what is best for us because well, we know us, we are us: we know our capabilities and limitations. Such scenarios and our rationale behind them may not align with what God says is best for us in the Bible, but … ‘ I am ME and I know myself’.

A lot of us, including Christians, believe deep down that they know themselves more that God does.

If I am being honest, I struggle with the truth that God knows me more than I do: He knows my every thought and actions before I do.

I believe it is because we are visible and God is invisible. Although in that same context, gravity is invisible and yet we know it is there. So this really just speaks to a lack of faith. However, it is not the end of the world if you think like this, just ask God to open your spiritual eyes and reveal Himself to you as He intended.

The devil perverts God’s love, which includes Him wanting to protect us from abusing the free will He has given us to fulfil our own pleasures and end up being hurt by how we have used our free will.

Paul says in 1st Corinthians 6:12

“You say, “I am allowed to do anything” – but not everything is good for you.

An even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything [and everything] – emphasis mine

Paul is specifically talking about sex here but this can be applied to so many areas.

Like food cravings …

I could eat a huge piece of cake at any time during the day or night.

Nothing, is stopping me – I am not dairy or lactose intolerant nor am I, 500 pounds overweight. Yet, is it really beneficial or smart to give into my cravings just because I can?

By asking this question, I am starting to practise self-discipline.

Self-discipline does not mean to deprive yourself.

There are many occasions that call for a celebratory or non-celebratory slice of cake but I must not develop the mentality of just because I can have it means I let my cravings control my actions.

This used to be a major issue for me at one point, okay maybe last year lol.

Here is an extreme case of me letting a craving overpower my actions:

It is 1:00 AM and I am in bed and then suddenly I think of my favourite cereal. The cravings come. I cannot and do not want to brush off the thoughts of a bowl of cereal with ice-cold milk touching my lips. So, I GET OUT OF BED, PUT ON A COAT AND WALK IN THE COLD TO THE NEAREST 24-HOUR SUPERMARKET…. TO BUY CEREAL…AT 1 AM.

Again, I was not an obese person nor did I have a medical condition. I was just as we all do, exercising my free will to get an instant pleasure fix, which is exactly what Paul warns us not to do – no matter the context.

And much like sex, those of us who have had sex outside of marriage or been involved in sexual activity outside of marriage, there is this gravitational pull, unhealthy and urgent desire – at the time – to give your body and yourself, pleasure.

There have been occasions where the sex was not mind-altering great physically but because I was giving into an indulgence, I made the most out of it and stretched my imagination to get the most out of this sexual risk. Sometimes sexual risks are even more pleasurable and mentally stimulating that the actual act itself. I mean sexual risks like being caught doing it outside the safety of the bedroom or trying something different.

But sex is not meant to have an overwhelming risk factor that stimulates more pleasure than the act itself or the heightened level of intimacy it can bring.

And just because you have partaken in sex or sexual acts before marriage previously or even now, please do not write yourself off or believe that you are ‘too far gone’ to get help from God or be reached by Him.

The Grace of Jesus is your solution.

Condemning yourself or trying to stop because of the judgement of others or what people may think of you is not going to help you either.

We really cannot see permanent change or start an effective path to the recovery without the Grace of Jesus. Without this grace, we rely on our own human effort, yet just as we were susceptible to sexual sin in the first place, we need a power greater than ourselves to break free from it.

An example of using human effort to combat sexual sin is:

Telling yourself I am not going to watch certain TV shows that show stimulated sex (which is majority of what is on TV today)  or I will block the porn channels.

Here you are just putting physical restrictions on an issue that is spiritual.

There is nothing physical in this world that can stop you from falling back into the same sexual patterns because the urges come from a spiritual place.

So now what do you do about these urges?

Commit yourself and it, under the Grace of God – Jesus.

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