I have not been in the mood to write for what seems like forever, which is ironic because writing, for me is an opportunity to release some of the hurt, frustrations etc that I have internalised and stewed over day after day.
During rocky times, my desire and interest in a lot of things just flatlines.
I am not productive. I can say that I am not really living, just existing and at the bare minimum.
I do not want to talk to anyone; so I do not call anyone neither am I motivated to reply to messages within socially acceptable time frames.
I do not want to be around people; I feel anxious around people, which I realise stems from not trusting people but such a realisation becomes so intense around people that I can not ignore it and fake wanting to assimilate with cliques, even at church.
In the past couple weeks, I have felt anger towards God.
Here is ‘Today’s Verse of the Day Image’ on the YouVersion Bible App.
I searched for the scripture that talked about casting your burdens on to Jesus and read this scripture yesterday night. It was a rough night. I had to play worship music until I fell asleep. Like a baby.
Sometimes sleep feels like the only escape but it can be a nesting bed for me to chew over the lies Satan wants me to believe and l that I have given into and believed them as reality; my ‘not so new’ normal.
I say not so new because there has been a battlefield in mind all my life and I was always on the losing side. Only when I came to God that I experienced the ability to fight back each time a wave of depression, defeatist thoughts or irrational slump in my mood washed over me.
Yet, recently I have questioned my journey to victory over depression, defeatist thoughts and self-loathing. 2017 has been crap for me so far.
3 weeks ago I received disappointing news that I did not get the job opportunity I thought and if I’m honest still do think I desperately need after years of feeling like a failure in relation to my career and lack of a paying job.
I was hurt and then I was angry with God.
I gave up on Him.
I gave up the idea of ever receiving His love, of having a close relationship with Him.
I dismissed all the times I thought I heard His voice (including tell me the job was mine) as idealistic fantasies and just my subconscious mimicking a voice I orchestrated to play God because I desperately wanted to hear from Him and have conversations with Him.
To be honest, I have not been able to shake off this thought and maybe deep down I didn’t 100% consistently trust that God was talking to me.
Now, I do not believe I hear from God and I don’t trust my mind to hear from God. I know He talks to people, His children but why won’t He see past my confusion and ultimately defeat to help me believe that He wants to talk to me by revealing Himself to me in all His glory so I can be in awe and do nothing BUT worship Him.
Coincidences like I mentioned earlier (reading a scripture only to find it pop up again somewhere else) 3 weeks ago I would have said it was God but now I can not trust myself to believe and it would further perpetuate my disappointment if it is not true.
I really want God to talk to me. I know He talks to people but He needs to break these barriers of mistrust in me.
One thing I will note is that I feel a difference between today and yesterday. It happened just before I fell asleep listening to worship. It was hope in my heart, in my being, my spirit that all is not lost and God has not given up on me.
I am just missing something and I can not figure out what it is at the moment.
Thank you for reading. I have not felt like writing and this impromptu post is the most I have written in 3 weeks.
I felt a shift listening to this song over and over
Another amazing Holy Spirit moving track