It is currently 5pm. (by the time this post is published, it will be later)
I got out of bed over an hour ago. Binge watched NCIS from 6:30am, was in and out of sleep until I got up.
I want to share my on-going transition from someone who woke up today with the intention and determination to be numb to everything..to someone who at 3:30-something-pm decided to get out of bed, take a shower and trust on God.
But, yes my day started out with wanting to be numb to everything and everyone. That included the Word, the Holy Spirit, any potential instructions from God and any scriptures that would remind me to not lose hope or get up from my bed.
Proverbs 6:9-11 (NKJV)
9 How long will you slumber, O sluggard?
When will you rise from your sleep?
10 A little sleep, a little slumber,
A little folding of the hands to sleep—
11 So shall your poverty come on you like a prowler,
And your need like an armed man.
At the height of my depression, my bed was my safe-haven.
I would sleep during the day and would not wake up until late into the evening/night. When I was up I binged on shows, watching them back to back until I fell asleep, again in my bed, I watched the entire 16 or so seasons of Law and Order within a couple of days. No problem. I escaped my reality both when I was asleep and when I was awake binging on shows. They provided me comfort. Although, I was in a purposeless comatose state of being, I believed it was better than the alternative. Today, was the first time in months of where I had the same thoughts and belief.
My previous attachment with sleep was because it provided an easy escape from the chaos that was and if I am being honest, currently is my life. Sleep was my great escape and my bed was my ticket out of my reality.
When I was asleep, I did not have to deal with the fact that I felt like a perpetual failure or face the disappointment I believed I had become. Any time that my body would stir, I would force it to go back to sleep. Binge watching still kept me in a comatose, unfeeling state when I was awake. This was my new normal.
Fast-forward to a couple months with God’s help I have been waking up earlier and earlier. Now I wake up in the morning and try to stay up until very late, until I feel my day has been productive. This includes reading the Word, spending intimate time with God and helping others (as my issues have not miraculously disappeared).
I do not have an uncontrollable desire to binge-watch all day. During this process I asked God to help me become disciplined in how I spend my days and nights,
But today’s hiccup made me realise that it is a process. I was wrong to think that these habits were something I no longer needed to ask God to help me with. Even in all our perfecting we still need to ask God for strength each day so that when we are tested by old habits we will be unshakeable and uncompromising.
Unshakeable is any area is something that I am not.
In the months that I have sought God, there were (and still to this day) occasions where I have restricted myself with rules and boundaries with the hope that my ‘good’ works would please God, It only lead to condemnation when I would fail. This is something that I am battling now and again from today’s lesson; it is something that I need to prayer even more about.
But it is not all doom and gloom. God has been changing me from the inside out: giving me a desire to want to seek Him to help me with my issues. I just mean that today as taught me that there is no expiring date on our habits and struggles, or prayer requests for God to heal us from them.
So imagine how I felt today when I had no urge or desire to do anything related to obeying God or His Word.
It started from Saturday. I had a horrible Saturday where I did not act as a kind-hearted, tenderhearted ….
32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
I posted this yesterday. The first sentence sums up my Saturday and area that I have been battling with by myself.
That evening I was a crazy, hot mess.
I literally erupted in anger. Cup-overflowing-with-no-cloth-in-site-anger lol
At one point during my Hulk performance, I justified my anger by declaring it righteous anger.
Why did I implode?
Because I was tired of crap.
Tired of trying to be tenderhearted and forgiving but while I was changing my situation was not.
Tired that the person that I was angry at was taking me for a fool and had been all along. Even after I offered them my forgiveness and apology for anything I may have done to them as well.
I was close to punching said person. I even went away and got on my knees asking God to help me with my anger. 10 minutes later and still fed up and angry, I went back for round 3.
I tired of my kindness being taken for weakness.
Tired of feeling helpless. Conflicted in my increasing passivity to the crap situations and crap people in my life out of fear that I was not allowed to be an unhappy Christian.
Is this the person God wants me to be?
To be passive and quiet whilst things are getting worse and the perpetrator continues to inflict pain.
Is Prayer really that important to everyday living? It can be hard to pray at times, all the time and especially during hard times. It is even more disheartening when you pray but still erupt in anger / sadness at your abusers. You feel weak even after the anger has settled. Weak because they caused you to act out and get to this point where you feel ashamed to come to God and ask Jesus to help you. It can be hard to come to God again and believe that He has forgiven you. He may be upset with your behaviour but His Grace is still there for you. This is my current situation but I because I have been reading and had been learning about His Grace in the last couple of months, I see it's purpose and relevancy especially during my most recent situation. Because I know that His Grace is still there for me no matter how many times the devil wants me or YOU to believe otherwise like he has done in the past. I am able to rest in this fact, it makes sleeping at little less painful and me hopeful for my future in Christ. But it's not instant. It is something we must continue to work on until we are strong to conqueror the strategies of the devil and those who inflict pain on us. Be sure to read more on the post in the link (bio)☺️ #Pray #Thanksgiving #Jesus #God #Sin #Condemnation #Faith #Hope #prayinghard #praying #prayers #Grace #Love #abidinginchrist #Anger #angerissues #Sadness #Pain #mondaymorning #mondaymotivation #motivation #encouragement #anxiety #notperfect #blogger
I posted this yesterday upon reflection. I thought I was fine when I wrote this post.
But my actions today just reiterated that I was still dealing with the aftermath of my blow out on Saturday.
I wanted to return to the safe-haven of my old life.
This time around it was obvious to me that I was hiding from God.
I did not want to deal with chaos that has been my life has been in chaos for years now. Some people have it worse than me. Some people have it easier. There is nothing in my life, not one thing that is stable.
Even when I write, if I feel emotionally stunted by anger, guilt or sadness, I avoid writing.
This is the same of how I have been in the months that I gave my life to Christ. Whenever I sinned or did things that I knew did not measure to the standard of God, I hid from Him.
In the past couple months I believed that I conquered this and I still believe I have or at least I am getting much better at accepting his Grace. With each occasion, I spend less and less time running away. I discern those depressive thoughts and manoeuvres: it is then that I search for God even more. I will read my Bible, pray or listen to Gospel music.
So why did I not do it this morning? Was I becoming desensitised to this plan of action? Did it have any real effect?
I think it is because I decided that I was going to cut myself off from everything including any help from God and His Word.
I made a choice and stuck to it.
I did not ask God to help make my decision void nor did I ask Him to intervene and give me a desire to be subject to His will for me today.
The real turnaround
I received an email regarding a job opportunity. I am not happy about the conditions that they were offering but I thought that this maybe an opportunity to be blessed by God. I thought that even though it sucks, if I just pray and go my act together between now and my trial first day, then God would favour me.
This crappy mentality is what made me think of God again. It is sad to say but it is the truth. The fact that I needed Him now something real could potentially happen after living off faith.
I thought I had matured from this type of believing – it is not faith to only seek God when you need something.
I am sure others can relate.
Either way, I got out of bed, did some chores and listened to Gospel music. Even though I was unable to spend time with my Bible I listened to a sermon, which put me in a better position and mood than I was this morning.
I will be examinining my faith and myself.
Saturday taught me that I have a long way to go and I need to come to God in humility regarding my problems.
Today, has only re-affirmed that I need round the clock help from God.
Painting by by Eric Zenar