I find it hard to trust people.
To really trust them.
I can entertain them and hold up very well in superficial conversations.
But I just feel like people only care about themselves, well at least those in my life.
They want you to be there for them. I do try to be there. To call, text, check up on them. See how they are doing, truly and honestly. Make them feel like someone cares about their crap. But the same is not recpriocated.
They do not ask about your depression or how you feel with having one less parent in your life, forever.
Some people believe that they care about others, that they have a heart for others but when it comes down to it they can’t even remember the crap they have said to you because they have deluded themselves so much into thinking they are in the right and they would never dream to treat people like crap out of their own free will.
I obviously sound very hurt in this post.
Becuase I am.
I was angry, then upset and now back to angry as I beat my fingers against the keypad.
Deep down my feelings are motivated by hurt and yet again allowing myself to be so stupid to trust someone with just a little bit of me.
I am mostly hurt because I blame myself.
My thoughts turn me against me.
They tell me that I deserve to feel like crap because I am a horrible person.
That no one should like, love or want to know me.
That there is something wrong with me.
I believe it as my fault because of the way I am wired.
I am tired of such feelings.
It is crazy how a fellow Christian can make you feel like dirt.