this is my posture of shame, not of prayer
My faults are happy to stay in orbit
Yet His Grace defies the pull
He is here, once again
I do not deserve Him, yet again
Shames comes again
shame and Grace. Grace and shame
Yet my sadness does not stop His outpouring
Here we go again
Recently, I have been sensitive to the feeling of shame.
This has been heightened by the fact that I currently have no money. Nada. Zilch. But that is for another post.
More importantly, I feel shame because I can sense that God still blesses and cares about me despite my flaws: flawed thoughts, actions, reactions, commitment to Him and so on.
Is this a different type of shame?
Recently, during these times of shame, I am increasingly sensitive to this strange feeling where I can feel His covering of Grace over me.
Sometimes I break down. …Okay all the time
But it is a strange feeling nevertheless.
Even stranger is that I can not separate the feeling of shame with His Grace. My shame intensifies in moments of worship.
In those moments I am more aware that I do not deserve his Grace. That I do not show honour of all He has done and continues to do for me.
I never understood when people talked about His Grace. I have this vision, somewhat distorted, of God running leaps and bounds just to give me the baton of Grace, whilst I look dumbfounded that He cares for someone who never seems to get it right when it comes to showing His likeness.
I still do not understand completely His Grace and why He gives it. But maybe it is not for me to understand but to
– make peace that He gives it to me
– accept it without beating myself up that here is another thing God ‘has to give’ to bail me out of trouble
I pray that during the times that we feel unworthy, the touching of His Grace will continue to cover us and that we will praise Him even if we feel we are undeserving.
Featured image by Runar Pedersen Holkestad